I am not much for writing, but I need to put this somewhere so... My husband works 12 hour shifts in some hot, dirty, stinky factory, for no money. We have four beautiful children, and because child care would cost my entire paycheck I am forced to stay home. I love my kids, my husband, and my life but sometimes I need a break. Does that make me a bad mother? I have just been dealing with a lot of depression lately. I am exhausted... I do what needs to be done, and no more. Sometimes I think of my grandmother, she had seven kids and she did it, I don't know how, but she did. Maybe one day I will go back to work. David and Alora's birthdays are next month, and I just don't know how we are going to pull it off this year. We only ever invite my sisters and their kids, but there might not be any burgers and hot dogs this year. I know it ridiculous to some people, but we really do live like this. My husband and I both have a rough past of drug use, but the moment we found out I was pregnant, with our oldest son, we both got sober. We weren't set up in life, drugs got in the way of our education, but we are good, sober, loving parents who put our all in to our kids. We have busted our butts to get where we are, and will bust them until we can retire and fish all day. Do we really deserve what life has given us? I guess when life gives you lemons make lemonade, right? I need to find peace, to be thankful for what I have. It's hard when the floors in your house need to be replaced, and the kids want the newest toys, and momma needs her meds. Please someone tell me how to get back to the me I used to be. When I first got sober I loved my poor life, I felt so lucky just to have what I had. I have been sober almost six years, and it started to get really tough two years ago. I got bad postpartum after Jim was born. I just keep getting better the worse. After Sam was born, six months ago, I started seeing a counselor, and she said I should start a blog, and just let my thoughts flow. If you are reading this, and I am just jumping subject to subject, that is how my anxious brain works. Well I am going to try to sleep.

My reason for living!!

This is me!